Today, completely spontaneously, a friend called me (hereinafter we will call him Dimon… because his name is Dimon), and offered to go to Cowboys vs. Aliens (although we had previously wanted to go to him + The First Avenger, but this weakling could not stand two films in a row). The timing was a bit unsatisfactory for us, as it was a long wait, and I remembered that the film was so-so. In general, we decided to go for something else. In the end, we agreed to go to Spy Kids 4D, but even though I knew what it smelled like, I agreed.
Yes. I don’t know how https://voodoo-wins.uk/games/ he was dragged here, but he’s here too. Although as a tertiary character.
As a result, the session took place 20 minutes later than Cowboys vs. Aliens. You can’t ask for time. When purchasing tickets, we were given a cardboard with 8 numbers, they say, when a number appears on the screen, erase it with a similar one – you feel stench aroma and PROFIT. We were barely allowed into the session with some snacks bought in a nearby stall department store, which was located in the center of the same shopping center where the cinema was located, but they stopped us and said that “they didn’t buy it from us,” more precisely, not in the cinema store (because it was clearly not the people who set the prices there). After standing for 10 seconds with “facepalm”, they say I don’t know Dimon (he was stopped). In general, when we entered the hall, we were in time for advertising (although in the department store we had to be late for the beginning), and immediately noticed that the hall was full of mothers with children aged 5-8, which, in principle, made me understand the main target audience that the directors were aiming for.
MAXIMUM BESPALEVA
Sitting down in my seats… it’s better to make a reservation right away. I watched the first parts only out of the corner of my eye, and only fully watched the third, but I know that the series had positive ratings. So, sitting down in our seats, we started watching. At first we were warned about the effect of these SUPER-TICHNALAGIC-CARDONACKS, and then, after sniffing, and still not being drawn in, we understood the main essence, and the costs incurred for all this.
Beginning of the film: 7 years have passed since the end of the last film. An operation is underway to capture a dangerous criminal called… Tick-Tock (No, not like those lollipops). Tik-Tak can control time, or rather his gadgets can. In general, the operation ended with wine, but the heroine (who had nothing in common with the first parts… well, almost), who carried out the capture, was in the 9th month of pregnancy, and was about to give birth. It turns out that she is a stepmother of two children (a deaf boy and a girl), married to a television studio employee. Nobody knows about her work as a spy, and the children also don’t like her, because “she’s not like a mother”.
A year passes.
The heroine gave birth to a girl, and this Tick-Tock is activated again. His plans are revealed: he and a certain “Time Lord”, with the help of the top-secret “Armageddon” project, are trying to speed up time so that it speeds up, speeds up… and ends, marking the end of the world. At this point I laughed out loud for the first time.
So, ahem-ahem, I continue: The only thing that can stop “Armageddon” is the “sapphire”, which is in the pendant of the main character (WHERE,***. ). True, she gave it to her adopted daughter (eldest) in a very timely manner, and the villains come out to them while the stepmother is running about her business. And then, according to a well-known principle – enemies with pneumatic guns, copies of similar devices Gopniks thieves, from Sims 3, the mother is a spy, the dog says, under the house there is a fucking bunker with children’s balls, and increasingly..
And that’s just the plot. About the shooting itself and “toilet jokes” (well, American cinema, well, well!), like: “Flying on a mechanical HEX, throw bags of vomit at your enemies and, if you miss, you’ll get the windshield washer” I haven’t told you yet… well, until now. In total, during the film, I counted at least 6 toilet jokes, and 3 of them came one after another, within 2 minutes. I also figured it out and noticed that at least 3 numbers appeared when someone farted, picked their nose, or was doused with a blue liquid, the origin of which I, and you, don’t need to know. Can’t find the hidden meaning?
This is all despite the fact that when they said “erase the number,” they clearly meant to use superhuman ingenuity, since I managed to rip off the number only by perforating the cardboard right through. At the same time, the cardboard itself smelled suspiciously even without rubbing, overpowering the other odors, and it seemed that the whole cardboard smelled the same. Can’t find the hidden meaning? (2)
Why are we staring??
The children’s play is also at the "could have been better" level.
In the end, it turned out that the Time Lord was the same head of the Agency (OSS), where all the spies work. And I won’t say anything about predictability at all. Although no, I would like to mention one dialogue:
"Damn this is an ambush! This is not a real time machine! Time Lord, where is the real?
-The real machine is located in the OSS building!"
At this moment, I couldn’t stand it and almost screamed at the whole hall:
"What a dumbass!»
In general, during the film I talked no less than the characters themselves, and probably earned fierce hatred among the entire cinema hall (let me remind you, there were mainly children who were dragged away by what was happening on the screen).
Movie clichés are just killing me. For example, a boy (the woman’s son), who is less than 10 years old, hacked the computer of the main villain in less than 30 seconds (while absolutely not looking at the keyboard). But I won’t list it all.
There was also a moment when, at the end of the film, the one-year-old daughter of the main character gave the main villain a masterful throw over herself, although she weighed 40 times less.
It is worth mentioning that in the middle it turns out that that woman is the cousin (the clumsy Ukrainian translation said “aunt”, although the actress looked a little older than 20-25 years old), the same brother and sister from the first parts. Moreover, we quickly compiled a dossier on my brother, aka “Fraud-like alcoholic, crawling along the entrances, in a Rastafarian cap, collecting empty bottles.”
But even they couldn’t save the film. The actors don’t get much space in the film, and they are no longer the main characters.
Moreover, towards the end of the film (about 20 minutes), to my surprise, the film began… to go for the better. In the last 20 minutes, they stopped sprinkling stupid jokes and switched to seriousness, and if the film weren’t such shit, it would even seem like a little drama (the story of the Time Lord). But the ending again did not allow the audience to believe that the film was not shit. Like, “operations for training children of spies have been restored, and a recruitment of talented children ready to be spies is underway,” and other heresy, like “The school kids will gather a gang and go to rake the kids in Iraq.”. I won’t say that the film is really shit – if you have a child who is under 10 years old, or you yourself are a child who is under 10 years old, then you can go see this film – you will like it.
But if you’re a sensible fan of the series, you can tearfully forget about this film as a sequel to Spy Kids. I have everything.
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